yes, it’s true that you shouldn’t shit where you eat, but i would also advise against shitting in a lot of other places, too:  where you sleep, where you watch tv, where you do laundry, in your car… pretty much anywhere other than the toilet (or, in an emergency, the woods).

looks like i picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue (i picked the last week of 2013, but in retrospect i think i should’ve picked this week — or, at the very least, some other week in the not too distant future — suffice to say, this glue sniffing habit is really starting to take its toll.  pretty sure i need help).

story idea:  two budding serial killers bond after reading each other’s scathing review of the film “pieces of april” (both reviews center around the premise that it’s an extremely misleading title).  eventually they meet, fall in love, and go on a murderous rampage across the country that ends with them kidnapping and killing katie holmes by hacking her into pieces.

thatcher’s dead, a mushroom cloud over texas, bombs in boston, would anne frank have been a belieber?  the senate and gun control, north korea threatening war, i can’t take it anymore… whoa.  wait a minute.  anyone else starting to think that maybe this entire month is all just part of a vast global conspiracy to get billy joel to write a sequel to we didn’t start the fire?

dragonfly covered in dewdrops (via @alexwain)

dragonfly covered in dewdrops (via @alexwain)

story idea: in the not too distant future a sir mix-a-lot cd is discovered buried in the rubble of post-apocalypse england; mistaken for a great knight of the 21st century, people begin crafting the foundation for a new society using the lyrics to “baby got back” and “swap meet louie” as a guide.

OH1:  ”wait, so you broke up with him because he took a ‘which girls character are you’ quiz and got shoshanna?”

OH2:  ”no, i broke up with him because he cried for over an hour insisting he was a marnie, and then he refused to leave his apartment all night.”

OH1:  ”oh.”
you had one job!  great website… or the greatest website?

you had one job!  great website… or the greatest website?

"sorry, but i’m staying in until they catch the maniac ex-cop who’s on the loose" is what i would have said if anyone had asked me to do something last night (as opposed to "sorry, i’m eating in-n-out and watching dredd on dvd" which is how i spent my saturday night).  of course, in the end it didn’t matter… because no one asked me to do anything.