yes, overall, it would be horrific, terrifying, and extremely painful, BUT if an alien ever burst out of my chest cavity, i’m fairly confident that there would be a (very) brief moment where i’d think “whoa, cool!”… and then i would die.

an optimist thinks the glass is half full.  a pessimist thinks the glass is half empty.  i think there are probably chemicals in the water that will give me cancer.

an old man turned ninety-eight.  he won the lottery and died the next day…

and then all of his surviving heirs got into a long and bitter and ugly dispute over his estate because the old man didn’t have the chance to update his will in between the time he won the lottery and when he died, and, ultimately, it tore his family apart and now they barely speak to each other and there’s hate and loathing and resentment everywhere… it’s really sad.

yes, it’s true that you shouldn’t shit where you eat, but i would also advise against shitting in a lot of other places, too:  where you sleep, where you watch tv, where you do laundry, in your car… pretty much anywhere other than the toilet (or, in an emergency, the woods).

looks like i picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue (i picked the last week of 2013, but in retrospect i think i should’ve picked this week — or, at the very least, some other week in the not too distant future — suffice to say, this glue sniffing habit is really starting to take its toll.  pretty sure i need help).

story idea:  two budding serial killers bond after reading each other’s scathing review of the film “pieces of april” (both reviews center around the premise that it’s an extremely misleading title).  eventually they meet, fall in love, and go on a murderous rampage across the country that ends with them kidnapping and killing katie holmes by hacking her into pieces.

thatcher’s dead, a mushroom cloud over texas, bombs in boston, would anne frank have been a belieber?  the senate and gun control, north korea threatening war, i can’t take it anymore… whoa.  wait a minute.  anyone else starting to think that maybe this entire month is all just part of a vast global conspiracy to get billy joel to write a sequel to we didn’t start the fire?

dragonfly covered in dewdrops (via @alexwain)

dragonfly covered in dewdrops (via @alexwain)

story idea: in the not too distant future a sir mix-a-lot cd is discovered buried in the rubble of post-apocalypse england; mistaken for a great knight of the 21st century, people begin crafting the foundation for a new society using the lyrics to “baby got back” and “swap meet louie” as a guide.